Is sex before marriage a sin? At some point, every youth worker hears a version of that question. Teens and young adults often struggle with issues of mental and physical purity. And when they sin by having premarital sex, they need help dealing with heartbreak and forgiveness.
Read on to consider how you’ll answer kids who ask, “Is sex before marriage a sin?” Plus, ponder how you’ll respond to someone who’s heartbroken after having premarital sex.
A friend of the podcast, who wishes to remain anonymous, writes in. “Hello Pastor John, I slept with my girlfriend two days ago. Now we’re both left hurt and feeling dirty, cheap, ashamed. We can’t even look at ourselves. We’re both born-again believers in Christ, but we got lured into temptation. Is there any hope that we might become pure again and be healed from our sin? I know the blood of Jesus covers every sin, but how can we get back our relationship’s purity again? Or is that permanently gone? After having premarital sex, what do we do?”
Is Sex Before Marriage a Sin? 6 Steps for Healing
This listener is beginning in the right place. He is, it seems, appropriately shattered, meaning something has been irrevocably lost. He and his girlfriend will never be able to undo this sexual encounter. By having premarital sex, they’ve lost something very precious.
Though that may sound harsh, I begin this way because I feel a tender and jealous concern for people who have not lost their virginity. It’s a very precious thing for men and women. The world views it as weakness. In fact, the world thinks it’s silly to even ask, “Is sex before marriage a sin?”
God views purity as a very great strength and beauty beyond compare. And I’m just as eager to help listeners maintain their sexual purity and virginity before they lose it as I am to help those who’ve lost it recover the purity that Christ makes possible. So that’s why I begin the way I do.
So this young man is beginning in the right place. He is broken. He knows that by having premarital sex, he’s lost a beautiful thing. And he knows that the blood of Jesus covers every sin. People who take their sins lightly and treat Jesus’ blood as a kind of quick fix have never seen the true costliness of what Jesus did to purchase their purity.
Next, let me make a few observations that might prove redemptive and hope-giving to our friend and his girlfriend. Keep them handy for the next time someone asks you, “Is sex before marriage a sin?”
1. Don’t repeat the mistake.
First, I’d draw attention to what this listener already knows. But put it in biblical words. First Corinthians 6:18, “Flee fornication.” God’s will for unmarried people is that they abstain from sexual relations. So is sex before marriage a sin? Yes.
God makes purity possible by the power of the Holy Spirit through faith in his promises. And he gives sweet and special rewards to single people who honor him this way.
Marriage has its special rewards for faithfulness, and singleness—chaste, holy singleness—has its special rewards for faithfulness. Married people can glorify God in some ways that single people can’t, and single people can glorify God in some ways that married people can’t. This isn’t a matter of inferiority or superiority. Singleness and chastity are a very high calling in God’s mind.
2. Accept God’s forgiveness.
I would remind our friend to hear—again, in the words of Scripture: “Truly, I say to you, all sins will be forgiven the children of man, and whatever blasphemies they utter, but whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit never has forgiveness” (Mark 3:28-29). Let’s leave for another time what it means to blaspheme against the Holy Spirit.
But let all of us with tears of thankfulness, with trembling joy, simply revel in these words: All sins will be forgiven the children of man. That means all sins, even having sex before marriage. That is breathtaking. Can you imagine anything sweeter for a person like the thief on the cross, just nothing but sin, nothing but sin for who knows how many decades?
In other words, no specific, single sin or kind of sin is so ugly, so gross, so offensive to God that it cannot be forgiven by the blood of Jesus. As John puts it, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from”—here it comes—“all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9).
3. Forgive each other.
It will be a huge challenge for the couple now in this situation to forgive each other; not just to receive God’s forgiveness, but to receive each other’s forgiveness. Ephesians 4:32 says, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
But that’s no easy thing, so they shouldn’t give up too quickly. What makes it difficult to forgive each other in this situation is not only that we’re all proud and selfish and don’t like to humble ourselves before others, but also because there’s a subtle temptation to shift onto the other person blame that belongs at least partly with yourself.
More Thoughts on Premarital Sex
So while this young man may feel shame and conviction that he didn’t take more responsibility for chastity as the masculine leader and initiator, he may subtly be saying to himself that she was kind of seductive and could have helped him stop but she didn’t. Thus, he begins to shift blame onto her—and she may be doing the very same thing.
She may feel shame and conviction that she was too compliant or maybe even seductive and didn’t resist when she should have, but she might begin to shift more blame onto him and find fault that he didn’t protect her in that moment of temptation.
In other words, mutual forgiveness is no simple matter because for forgiveness to be full and complete and real, there needs to be confession and repentance that are authentic and lasting. Both people need to own completely their fault for having sex before marriage, and both, indeed, are at fault. Yes, they are. And both need to be willing to confess their part in this, even at the risk of the other person taking advantage of them and putting more blame on them than they should have.
What’s needed here is not only the grace of forgiveness but the grace to risk being taken advantage of. In addition, they need the grace to risk bearing more accusation than you think appropriate, the grace to treat another person better than you’re being treated. They also need the grace to stay low before the cross when the temptation is to rise and feel superior, even superior that your repentance is better. Mutual forgiveness is very complex, and we need grace at every turn.
4. Add forbearance to forgiveness.
In view of human imperfections and all the ambiguities surrounding mutual forgiveness, there will need to be a huge experience of the reality behind the old-fashioned word “forbearance.” Forbearance is what you do when forgiveness hasn’t remedied all the tensions between you. You think the other person should have done more, or changed more, or repented more. They haven’t done what your gut says they should do.
So you can either walk away from that relationship—that has destroyed a million marriages—or you can forebear; that is, put up with, endure. The Bible talks this way. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 13:7, “Love bears all things, believes all things, endures”—he says it twice—“bears all things…endures all things.”
And the key passage on this matter of forbearance is Colossians 3:12-13. It goes like this: “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness and patience”—and here it is—“forbearing one another.” In other words: enduring or bearing with one another. “If one has a complaint, forgiving each another” and so on. Forgive and forbear.
5. Restore trust over time.
Next, I’d say to our friends struggling with this mess they’ve made: The restoration of trust takes time. It is possible to forgive someone yet not trust them fully. Trust is earned; forgiveness is not. We trust someone because they’ve proved to be trustworthy, not because they say they’re trustworthy. Which means when we have broken trust, which they have, both of them, it will take time to establish confidence in our character.
So be patient with one another and be honest about this. It’s very painful to look a person in the eye and say: “I don’t know if I can fully trust you yet.” That’s enough to destroy a relationship. But being dishonest to try to preserve the relationship will wreak havoc in the long run.
6. Had premarital sex? Have hope!
The last thing I’d share with someone who asks “Is sex before marriage a sin?” is a great gospel word of hope. Yes, purity is possible again, even though you’ve had premarital sex. Yes, forgiveness, forbearance, and trust are possible. Here is the key, beautiful text.
First Corinthians 6:9-11: “Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.” —And here it comes. —“And such were some of you.” —Were. That can be spoken over you. I’m talking to you, this couple now who may be listening to this together.
Even though you had premarital sex, that can be spoken over you. Such were. You were sexually immoral. — “Such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.”
So how will you respond the next time a young person ask you, “Is sex before marriage a sin?”
*This article was written by John Piper and was posted on churchleaders.com